I had been so afraid that Wednesday night when we started the seder I would burst into tears at what was suddenly a miniature table with two place settings. That didn’t happen. I had found magnificent tulips in our local Stop and Shop and their glory precluded sadness. Also, we were busy trying to set up Zoom and overcome beginning glitches, then so happy it worked for everyone, grateful to see beloved faces even in two dimensions.
Some participants had volunteered to lead a particular section, I was drafted to ask the four questions this year. (Last year I had realized I never got to ask the four questions as a child though I was the youngest in my family – discounted as a girl. So everyone agreed I should fulfill that role at the next seder.) I stumbled a bit – had failed to rehearse – but all in all it was good and I was thrilled. We went through the Order, and when time came for telling the story, we shared our own stories, shared with courage and intensity; the conversation was as compelling as ever.
I had made a last-minute cooking decision – while I was just preparing for two, and Eddie and I have different favorites, I made a few of the dishes I love, just for me. It was challenging to divide rather than multiply ingredients, but I wanted those tastes and have been relishing them each day.
I’ve made my peace with the reality that it’s ridiculously slow for me to sew masks by hand, that I can’t keep up with the quotas, but I can donate fabric to those who have machines and can donate money; now refugees who need work are getting paid per mask they make and so have enlarged the local sewing circles.
A lot of the increased inner calm and peace I feel is flowing from this shift in perspective and attitude – what can I do, what do I need to let go of. It has also helped each day to do five minute segments of cardio dancing – sometimes with a CD playing, sometimes just with songs in my head. Today I’ve done three segments so far and it’s only mid-afternoon. So good to get the blood flowing, especially on a day without a walk - our mayor himself announced in a pre-recorded phone message that there will be high winds until 7pm and requested we all stay indoors.
I am grateful for so much, above all my health so far and that of those I love. Grateful for a home in which to shelter, for the lifelong companion with whom I share that home. I am grateful for food, for opportunities to write and to read; for loving friends to call, to check in on, grateful for tzedukah money now that the needs are even greater than before. Grateful for the magnificent tulips from Stop and Shop.
Did you participate in a seder this year? How was that different? Were you sad? about what? What was nourishing about it?
What realities have you made your peace with? How are you keeping/how can you keep your spirits up?
For what are you grateful?